Isn’t There A Pill For That?

I hate to be the one complaining, but I don’t see the whole point in this getting up early and killing myself for an hour just to get into shape!  I mean if I had Erectile Dysfunction, nobody would say “run up steps until your heart pounds out of your chest”, they would just refer me to any one of the commercials with the guy wearing the acid trip smile and the woman who has the “oh s**t, here he comes again” look!  When a woman gets cramps, they have the stuff they peddle on TV where, even though her insides are about to jump out and she might at any moment grab and ax and get some “justice”, a tiny little pill keeps the world calm and happy.  But let me get a little pudgy and we have to break out all kinds of medieval torture devices to whip my fat butt in shape!

Why is there no pill for that?  I mean a real one that works, that can be doled out to everyone and would instantly get them into shape.  Of course you would have the 3 to 7 percent of the people who wouldn’t take it because they are happy being the way they are (I’m talking about the man at the beach wearing the size 54 Speedo with “JUICY” written across the butt, or the extra large woman in the grocery store wearing the spandex suit that can’t be stretched another centimeter, with high heels and lots of fake jewelry).  There would also be those that would some how be allergic to it.  But for the rest of us that want to be in shape tomorrow without all the strenuous activity today, there should be a magic pill!

I’ve done some research into this and came up with an answer as to why there isn’t such a pill.  Economics.  Think about it for a second, how many people would be out of work if there was such a pill?  Let’s look at it from the top down.  Every magazine would go under immediately because there would be no advertising.  If we all looked like the people in the ads, we wouldn’t need the crap they’re peddling to make us feel better about ourselves.  Hollywood would crumble because let’s face it, the majority of the actors and actresses we love really aren’t that good (I don’t mean you Salma baby, you are a true thespian treasure!). What about the guy that looks at me disapprovingly when I try to call it a day after a 10 minute workout?  Would the gym keep him on staff anymore?  I am sick of him holding me hostage in there until I do a proper workout,  YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!  and what about the kid who goes around putting the weights away for the idiot who isn’t aware of proper gym etiquette? (To said idiot, please wipe your sweat off of equipment when you’re through using it, I almost broke my ass bone sliding off of the oil slick you left on the weight bench.)

Bottom line is this, we’re not just helping yourself by working out, we’re keeping economies afloat with our never ending struggle to get and stay fit.  From the eight year old in China sewing my Nike’s together, to the perfect bodies on late night infomercials offering something that’s bound to wind up in a closet somewhere soon, everyone has a stake in the fitness game, so we need to move past the crying and wishing for something that isn’t coming and just exercise and eat right.  Even if there was a real pill to take, I wouldn’t, the world wouldn’t be as fun a place without the challenges, and I can’t bare to see Salma Hayeck unemployed.

OK, I’m done writing, turn off your computer and go do something, we’ve got bodies to build here, let’s build them.